Do Better Wednesdays!

So this week we have a DBW nomination from your favorite guest blogger Abu!!! Enjoy! :)

The Rise of The Fonzworth Bentley Douche!!!
(lawyer by day, black socialite by night!!)

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Scene: November 2008. A glorious Barack Hussein Obama takes his place amongst a raucous crowd in Chicago, Illinois. His opponent, John McCoo...I mean McCain has just conceded defeat. Many say that this moment was a culmination of the blood, sweat, and tears set forth by the sufferings of a downtrodden people. Sacrifices of soul and even life by the likes of Malcolm X, W.E.B. Dubois, and Dr. Martin Luther (tha) King Jr. I say, “no way”. The source of the Obamhemian’s, (walk with me, I’m trying out new nicknames for the President), power came from the one group that supported BHO since day 321, after the Iowa Caucus when they thought he may have a chance to win. The standard bearer for what is seemingly “right” with black folk, (according to their own world), the spirit of what a mind is when it is not wasted terribly, The Walking Epitome of “Obamabot”, the one, the only....”Fonzworth Bentley” douche!!!!

The Fonzworth Bentley Douche walks amongst us all. He’s your brother that went to Morehouse, your sister that went to Spelman, your cousin that attends Ohio State law school, yo’ potna out of SMU. Black Collegiate Ga..I mean, some members of nationally recognized historically black fraternities and sororities, you are included too. Even Cousin Jeff, Stephen A. Smith, and Roland Martin lay claim to this prestige fraternity.

I know what many of you are thinking. “What is this fool talking about? What exactly is a Fonzworth Bentley douche?”. I enlisted the help of my favorite magazine, GQ, to help me out with just this description.

“Is it possible to be in the International Leadership Program while also being president of Alpha Phi Alpha while also getting all militant about the white power structure while also promoting a biweekly hip-hop showcase? Yes? Then you're just barely keeping up with the status quo at Morehouse—good luck getting into Yale Law!

Affectations: Yellow V-neck sweater with orange-and-blue bow tie; box-seat double date to Coldplay show at Philips Arena.

Most likely to: Be a lawyer by day, black socialite by night.”

(waiting for gasps to subside). Yes, many of you have either come in contact with, or met this exact douchebag. And if you are in denial of this person’s existence, then you my friend, are that douchebag. But never fret, I am here to help you all and set the record straight on how to identify and deal with this concerning epidemic that has swept our communities.

This nuisance’s form is very subtle. There are a couple of common factors in identifying the FB douche, no it’s not clothing although I am seeing a trend of cardigan sweaters, skinny jeans, flannel shirts, and bow ties popping up in correlation with our subject. The main identifier of this clan is a college education and the aroma of entitlement that has seemingly come with it. Many of the FB douches believe that their degree has given them knowledge beyond their years. They feel that critical thought is but an obstacle in the way of what is truly important: looking right more so than actually being right. All the FB douche has to do, is sound righteous, say a bible quote, and have three friends that co-sign and wa-lah, they are correct in their ways. Proof be damned! Their degree is a virtual skeleton’s key into the myriad of subject matter that the world has to offer, from politics, to sports; bio-molecular engineering, to economics, this former political science major knows it all! A virtual Leonardo Da Vinci, in the many aspects of life they “know”.

You darn right, “stack dat cheese”. In the eyes of the FB douche, “we all need to do better” BET, the hood, and Vh1 included, eventhough they continually watch both television networks faithfully and never graced the hood in their collective lives. “Keeping it real” is so much of a priority that by watching rap videos, and hearing about “the struggle” from their friends, the FB douche convinces themselves into a want to move to the “hood” and live amongst people, whom he/she never interacted with in life. Or, worse yet, live in the suburbs and actually come to the hood and try to kick it! Now that’s keeping it gangsta! (well until you get your graduation gift broken into or become impregnated by big mookie from Stone Road, who hasn’t had a job since been had a job).

The FB douche feels that by dressing nice, being involved in black only campus activities, and dialoguing to death, the world will become a better place.

Forget the fact that a degree is only a door opener and what you do once you’re inside that door depends on you, the FB douche believes that the more degrees you get, the more of the building you own regardless of effort.

It is the FB douche that can impressively tweet the state of the union play by play and the BET Awards all on one blackberry, but yet never read a newspaper about current events not pertaining to Obama. It is the FB douche that can join organizations galore and show that they do have the capacity to be multi-faceted but yet counteract that by only joining groups that are within the same social realm. It is the FB douche, who can be the most divisive to their own people that they claim to want to “help” by continuing look down upon and talk about the people in those very hoods but never take the opportunity to actually talk to those who are in the struggle as opposed to assuming that “their plight is of their own fault”. It is these very same souls who have mocked those who chose to walk in their own skin and collude with all walks of life regardless of skin tone because in fact, that is how the world really works. It is the Fonzworth Bentley douche that “has to do better”......