The fact that Hamilton is the first successful hip-hop musical and hip-hop is 40 years old tells you... © Lin-Manuel Miranda

…everything you need to know about how late change comes to the very siloed, very white world of theater.  

So, Hamilton the musical debuted on Disney+ over the weekend and I was ecstatic. I’d seen it three times live (one of which included Wayne Brady as Aaron Burr which I’d prefer to forget) and I was interested to see how it translated on-screen. The musical is great and if you appreciate anything about theater there’s simply no denying that. HOWEVER, that did not stop the Blavity Blacks*

*A Black Twitter term that refers to Blacks who are often disconnected from everyday Black people and tend to perform what they think Blackness is.

that love to cosplay “real Blackness” from trying to ruin the joy for the rest of us.

A little background on my tastes. I love musicals. I want to an all-Black school from preschool through eighth grade that would march around the block of the school every year on MLK’s birthday singing “We Shall Overcome” in unison as a tribute to the march on Selma. Every student in the entire school from ages five to thirteen would sing all three verses of the Black national anthem (that I still know to this day) every Wednesday during convocation. We put on productions like Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Ain’t Misbehavin, God’s Trombones, Porgy and Bess and had an annual Shakespearean (William Shakespeare is hella problematic but that’s a blog for another day) carnival where even the preschoolers were assigned roles and memorized scripts. The cherry on the Blackity black black sundae was our Homecoming celebration every year. It was a PRODUCTION that mimicked the HBCU Homecoming experience. I distinctly remember a choreographed dance that I did in 3rd grade to the 69 Boyz… So there’s that. Hey, Black isn’t a monolith lol.

I also love hip-hop. It’s my favorite genre of music. My Mom worked at a radio station so that afforded me the opportunity to go to over 200 concerts, most for the free. In fact, when I realized as an adult how much concerts were, I was PISSED (we will come back to this).

 I particularly fell in love with hip-hop because I love poetry, words and storytelling. The diversity of perspectives, the wordplay, the storied visualization of a person's environment, upbringing plus its effects and outcomes moved me. Hip-hop is all of those things and sometimes you get lucky and get some bauce production as an added bonus.

This being said I consider myself pretty well-versed in Blackness, hip-hop and musicals. I’d say the combination of these things were probably why Hamilton resonated with me. But, I saw a few folks that were not impressed, and they’re entitled to have bad taste. However, the reasons below are also acceptable:

1. Do not like musicals (I get it 2+ hours of melodic dialogue can be a lot for some)

2. Finds this musical in particular hard to follow not being a native English speaker

However, that’s not the tone I saw from the folks that were not letting the rest of us be excited. I did see these main two types of folks:

The contrarian - “I’m probably the only one but I didn’t like Hamilton”

and…

The super woke - “I don’t care about the history of these old rapey white men, they aren’t portrayed accurately, plus I hate that white people like it but don’t like or appreciate the culture that inspired it.”

 The contrarian is THEE worst. It’s like they can’t let anyone enjoy ANYTHING. My guess is that this type of person gets off on the notion that they are unique, privy to some heightened knowledge and therefore feel superior to those in the majority that like something. I still don’t really know why they feel the need to be loud about their dislikes, probably miserable I guess. Not my ministry. I can’t tell you how many things I dislike that EVERYONE LOVES. I also don’t waste my time broadcasting it either. I’m fine with letting people like what they like. I get nothing from talking down on those things and not letting others enjoy what they enjoy.

 I find it hard to understand someone that is mad that Hamilton is popular. To me, the people that think like this are the types of folks that want their favorite indie artists to stay indie AND POOR instead of be appreciated by the masses. Why would you not want others to like the art that you like? Me? I like when folks like what I like and receive it, that way the art gets to reach more people that are hopefully positively impacted in the ways that I am. Being an artist is so hard and if people are able to make a living doing what they love by casting a wider net I am all for it. You just gotta hope that the art isn’t sacrificed as a result. 

Also contrarian…You’re late. Hamilton has been on Broadway for FIVE years. It has snatched everyone’s edges for so long, and now that it became EVEN MORE accessible, you feel a way. Again, that’s your right, but it’s pretty wack.

That brings me to “the super woke.” I know y’all HAVE to be tired. To be Black is to ALWAYS have to choose what to consume knowing that in some way, shape or form some element of the art that you are consuming might lack inclusivity or might even be oppressive to you. Being woke is so performative. You CHOSE to be offended by Hamilton, and that is your right. However, you didn’t choose to be offended by whatever other form of media that you chose to consume that has similar hottakes. 

Hamilton was never meant to take the place of history teachings/books. It’s entertainment, so be entertained. Lin is not a historian. He has said several times that the show isn’t 100% historically accurate, and that’s fine with me because that’s not what I was looking for. It’s a musical, it’s art. Watch a documentary if you want history. EYE was not less interested in Hamilton because it was a musical about white people doing white people stuff. I mean, I’m currently watching Degrassi for the first time and that show is VERY white. So I don’t really have a dog in this fight... But maybe that’s because I REALLY enjoyed reading the Anti-Federalist Papers and political science… IDK. But it's not less interesting to me because they were old, rapey and white. Honestly, the fact that they are so complicated makes them pretty interesting. Niggas was pinning secret tea letters like Funky Dineva. Talking wild trash all in the paper under a pseudonym. They had BIG HATEFUL ENERGIES. For me, consuming Hamilton is pretty similar to the messy posts I choose to consume that pop up on the shade room or baller alert on Instagram.

Honestly, think about it. Every single one of us might be considered problematic AF in a musical about some stuff we did lol. Maybe not owning slaves problematic… But problematic nonetheless. Can you imagine a musical about your choices? The beauty of being human is just how complex we are. One man's hero is another man's torturer. They are both, not either or. To the "I don't care about my own American history because it includes White men” crew, that’s fine. That’s your right. But you are missing the forest for the trees and if you want to continue to perform in your “woke off” that’s fine by me. You’re missing out on some dope art in the process.

Part two of the “super woke” crew are the folks that hate Hamilton because white people love it but don’t like or appreciate the culture that inspired it. Newsflash. WHITE PEOPLE LOVE CONSUMING THE CULTURE. I too wish that white folks loved Black people as much as they loved Black culture. However, them not loving Black people is not going to discourage me from enjoying MY culture. Honestly to me the idea of not allowing yourself to enjoy Black culture because white people like it mirrors “uplift suasion” — the notion that white people could be persuaded away from racist views if they only saw black people working to lift themselves up from their lowly station. White people appreciating hip-hop is not going to help white people appreciate Blackness. It doesn’t work that way.

If anything I would prefer that white people didn’t like or appreciate the culture. I get tired of going to shows and being one of ten people that look like me in the audience, in fact, last year Noname went on a whole rant about why she isn’t rapping anymore because she got tired of performing for audiences full of white people. White folks are in the audience, and I frankly don’t need them or want them to be. EYE want to stop racism and poverty so that people that look like me can have the discretionary income to see these shows. I do not care about what white people appreciating MY culture. More opportunities for us to be in the audience consuming OUR culture and art equals less space for them and I’m totally fine with that.

I mean I get it, Dave Chappelle did ultimately walk away from The Chappelle Show because white people liked it too much. When white folks like things, fame follows. Dave didn’t want any parts of that, and I understand that completely. I actually didn’t even watch the Chappelle show until a year after the debut. The white folks in college LOVED it and I assumed it was trash because of how much they liked it. Whew, that was a fail. Look at what I would’ve missed out on if I allowed how art was received decide what I consume. A. CLASSIC. Now don’t get me wrong, I still get mad when white folks laugh too loud at the Africa jokes in Book of Mormon, but, I am not gonna pretend that Hasa Diga Eebowai isn’t a BOP.

“I mean, hip-hop’s the language of revolution and it’s our greatest American art form ”
— (c) Lin-Manuel Miranda

 Not to mention Lin-Manuel KNOWS hip-hop. I admittedly would feel a way if Hamilton wasn’t created by someone with his particular background. The fact that Lin’s allegiance was to hip-hop and inclusion and NOT the history that this musical was inspired by is very important. Having committed the soundtrack to memory a year prior to seeing Hamilton live the inspiration was glaring. From the obvious sample from Notorious B.I.G.’s Ten Crack Commandments to the subtle reference to LL Cool J’s I Need Love. It’s all there. I admit I’ve been a fan of Lin since I had the opportunity to see his first musical In the Heights in 2010. I didn’t know that I was a fan of Lin-Manuel at the time though, I was just a fan of the musical. Everyone was talking about it and I had to experience what people hailed “The hip-hop version of Rent” I just KNEW that it was written by some white person looking to exploit hip-hop for whatever reason yet again. However, when I found out it was in fact written by someone that was not white and was also in a freestyle hip-hop improv group, I was intrigued. Lin-Manuel understands what makes hip-hop revolutionary. I consider him the Childish Gambino of Broadway. An artist at the core of it all, that happens to actually rap ok too. 

This is what makes Hamilton so good. Not perfect. Lin himself has said “The sheer tonnage of complexities and failings of these people I couldn’t get. Or wrestled with but cut. I took six years and fit as much as I could in a 2.5 hour musical.” However, I say he did a pretty good job. I would go further to say that the founding fathers would definitely hate it. They weren’t portrayed as the people we were forced to read about in our history books at all. 

Hamilton has created a space on Broadway for Black and brown performers that otherwise wouldn’t exist. I don’t like Hamilton because of its take on inclusion, it was an added bonus, another added bonus was how mad white people were that they couldn’t audition. Those white tears were plentiful, but they still spent their bread to see the show with a smile. Now don’t get me wrong Hamilton isn’t the first musical with a primarily Black cast, and I like Fela, The Color Purple, The Lion King, Ragtime, etc. as much as the next person… BUT you are lying to yourself if you fix your mouth to say that they are better than Hamilton. In spite of the musicals I named previously that have primarily Black actors, Black actors account for only 9% of the roles on Broadway. In fact, Lin-Manuel poses the question “How do we return to a space where backstage is as diverse as our cast on stage, where our audiences are as diverse as our cast on stage? Because the other thing I'm proudest of this movie is, it gives everyone the brag of, 'I saw the original cast for seven bucks.'" THAT is what I care about. Hamilton made theater accessible to people that look like me. The girl that felt so alone in a sea of whites at all the concerts I attend felt relief when I was able to share this experience with people from all walks of life that look just like me, versus the ones I have to side-eye when they try to rap along when “nigga” is dropped in a rap song.

At the end of the day I don’t really care why you feel a way about so many people enjoying Hamilton. The things this musical bring to the world far outweigh your critique of it. I don’t care if white people like it or not, I don’t care if you’re tired of stories about white men. I don’t care if you didn’t like it and don’t understand why everyone else seems to. I do care about the Black kids that have had access to the stuffy and elitist world of theater because of the programs that were put in place to make sure kids that wouldn’t normally have access were able to see it. This was at the expense of the rich white folks that were willing to pay astronomical prices for the seats that these kids were given for free which makes me even happier. I care about the theater kids that look like me that are able to see people that look like them on the stage, and in the America that Lin-Manuel created that reflects what America looks like now, versus then. I care about the people that are now inspired to tell the stories of the people of color whom the statesmen in Hamilton ruled over. I care about the Black people that will have more roles available to them as a result of this musical being made. I care about the additional opportunities outside of musical theater that Black actors received as a result of this musical. And most importantly, I care that five years later the soundtrack STILL BUMPS.

Also… You didn’t ask but my favorite hip-hop reference is in ‘My Shot.’ Lin-Manuel lifts a line more-or-less verbatim from Prodigy of Mobb Deep, telling his peers, “I’m only 19, but my mind is old.” You’re welcome.

Some of my fave vids are below…

I REALLY encourage you to watch the interview on Disney+ entitled “Hamilton: History Has Its Eyes on You” with Robin Roberts, the cast and Harvard historian (Black woman **cough cough**) Annette Gordon-Reed. Trust, they don’t shy away from the “tough” questions the Blavity Blacks were/are posing.

FF to min 4:14-6:24

Daveed gathered this man at 2:50

*A Black Twitter term that refers to Blacks who are often disconnected from everyday Black people and tend to perform what they think Blackness is.

Can’t care more about someone’s situation than they do (c) A real nigga proverb

This year has been one of reflection. In 2019 I had to make some tough decisions related to my relationships with people that were extremely difficult to make. I wrestled with these choices for the better part of this past year and POOF just like that, my validation was served to me on a silver platter. Let me share with you what I’m referring to…

Things got really tight after I decided to exit stage left on one of my oldest friendships. I wanted to keep the lines open in hopes that things would smooth themselves out over time, but the subliminal digs on Facebook were a lot and I found myself wanting to defend my choice to strangers (which is never a good thing), so I thought it would be best to pull the plug on all social media connections. However, you know even when connections are severed you still hear stuff through the grapevine… So guess what... I’m documenting said tea on my online journal. MY OLDEST FRIEND DUN HAD ANOTHER BABY! Lordt. When I tell you that was all that I needed to hear to drop the weight of the guilt I felt leaving the friendship, that was it. I know it doesn’t make sense… But the timeline… that’s why. I love the saying that the best apology is changed behavior, and her dropping this fresh baby off in the world in a matter of ELEVEN MONTHS after we stopped talking revealed that she ain’t changed one bit.

She has always been someone that has had very strict goals for herself, she is determined and doesn’t let anyone or anything get in the way of those goals, which in many settings can be seen as an admirable characteristic, and in many ways it is. Being a Mom was definitely one of those things. It pained me to watch her persist with this because of how emotionally and physically absent her husband was. But, I know my friend, and knew that she gets what she wants, so I just tried my best to be supportive and loving and fill in the gaps that her husband would leave. I know I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally handle the idea of her bringing yet another life into this world with a man that I find to be cruel and repulsive. Our friendship wouldn’t have survived this second pregnancy for sure. It was hard enough the first go round. And believe me, this isn’t an instance of her telling me too much about the dynamics of her relationship and me not being able to let go or forgive. I’m more of an actions person, and through this “break up” between her and I I’ve learned that she tends to tell a very curated version of events. She did it to her Facebook friends when I first told her my intentions of walking away from our friendship, and she did it again to a mutual friend (I will discuss this in detail later). I am basing my feelings of her husband on the actions that I personally witnessed. He left her to raise her child (financially, physically and emotionally) for the better part of a year…BY HERSELF. That’s hard for me to stomach. I watched someone I love be abandoned by her husband, and watched someone she loved abandon their child. A child that in no way, shape, or form even asked to be here. That was so hard. I sat in her child’s one year birthday party and watched her husband perform for everyone in the room like he was the most upstanding husband and father, when his kid barely even recognized him. Sharing the same space with him at that point almost made me physically ill. But I’m of the mind of “if you like it I love it” and I wanted to stand by and support my friend and her child because I love them, I had no clue how much of a toll that would take on me emotionally. It was shortly after that I knew that I loved them both but I couldn’t participate in my friend’s life choices much longer. They were always her choices to make, but I was no longer including myself in the narrative. Honestly in my heart of hearts I’m just hopeful that her husband needed that year away for himself so that he could be better and commit to his family again. I really hope that this new baby is in an environment that is healthy and nurturing, and that my friend, her husband, and their two children are thriving. I want this soooo badly that the idea of it makes me smile from ear to ear. I hope that me deciding to remove myself from their lives allowed more room for her to pour into them in ways she wouldn’t have been able to if I were around, I hope me leaving no longer enabled her from ultimately getting what she truly wanted. However, the patterns of their behavior lead me to believe that might not be the case.

Hearing the news of baby number two showed me that even her losing “the most important person” is not enough to warrant changed behavior, or steer her off of the path that she had planned for herself. It validated for me that me and my needs would never have room, because she wouldn’t make room for them, especially if they didn’t align with what she wanted  for herself… This was something that I didn’t want to believe and had chosen to ignore and doing so just no longer felt good. Now don’t get me wrong, I ain’t asking to be #1… ESPECIALLY when you have a husband and children, but making the effort to make room is something that I demand in all of my relationships. There are few times when I truly NEED support from my friends… and for her to be so absent over the past five years and for me to justify it but hold everyone else to a higher standard was no longer something that I felt good about doing any more. I knew once I sent that email it would be done. I knew because I know my friend… and I know that she doesn’t fight for anything that isn’t in line with her vision. The husband, the family, the children, THAT was her vision. One that she has fought for, for almost two decades, because it aligned with what she felt her life was supposed to look like. In spite of the plethora of red flags. And I was right there fighting with her, picking up the pieces and standing in the gap, knowing that she was incapable of reciprocity, but loving her and pouring into her anyway. I thought that was what friendship was supposed to look like for us, but when I no longer felt good about the choices that I was making, I knew it was time to let go. In hindsight losing me was an easy loss for her because although having a friend is nice, it isn’t part of the picture that she painted for herself… I was very much disposable. Our relationship was not something that I viewed as disposable. Having friends is something that I value in the same ways that I value having a loving husband and how I would value having a child/children. Though they will never be equal, I place value on all of those things. I knew it wasn’t possible at that time for her to ever consider me in the ways that I considered her because our value system just wasn’t in sync in that way. I was hoping that one day it MIGHT be possible, and who knows… maybe one day it will be. But as of right now, I was proven wrong.

It took me this past year to finally realize what my “spoon in the sink” moment was when it came to our friendship. I THOUGHT it was when she straight up lied to me about her intentions. That was it. I just knew at that moment that we had been performing intimacy because if we were truly close she wouldn’t have felt she had to lie to me about WHY she wanted to move to Israel. I knew it was always an end goal, she had expressed that, but the WHY she shared with me was because it was safer, when I KNEW the why was really that she wanted to try and make her family work. Which was her choice, and I would have respected that, hell, we probably could have even remained friends… But the lie, it was the lie that hurt me most of all. I know it seems so small, but that’s why these “spoon in the sink” moments are so significant. You truly never know what your last straw will be. I now realize that that was the pre-cursor, but that wasn’t what REALLY set it off. I have to provide the back story for this to make sense…

I was in a group chat with my friend, her sister and a friend of theirs that I met through them. I realize now that my true spoon in the sink moment was when their friend came in the chat and was expressing the things that I didn’t even realize that I was feeling. She was talking about how she doesn’t feel like the chat is a place that serves her anymore, and I totally understood that sentiment. It felt like we were performing friendship and people were drifting further and further apart. Their friend and I hadn’t really had a relationship outside of them, and I reached out to see how she was because I knew how deeply she cared for them, and to get some more insight into what prompted what seemed like an abrupt decision. She expressed to me that she had been feeling this way for a while and her saying that in a way forced me to face my feelings head on. At that moment I wasn’t ready to let go emotionally, I was still talking through my feelings with my therapist and was hoping to have more clarity over the next few weeks/months. The true spoon in the sink moment was not too long after that when I saw a message that my friend sent that made me question EVERYTHING. My friend removed their friend from the group and said “I removed her because she said she didn’t want to be me and my sister’s friend anymore because we are single Mom’s.” This statement set my antenna’s off because when I had a conversation with their friend that is not what she said at all… and even in the group she explained and that is not what I took from it. It made me think about how many times in the past that I might have taken my friend’s words as law and had been manipulated. Had I not had that side convo with their friend I would have listened to what my friend said, believed it, and cut their friend off, even though she wouldn’t have deserved that, because the things that my friend said were not what was said at all. It made me think about all of the other times in the past that my friend might have amended the truth so that she appeared a certain way, and how many times I might have reacted based on those lies. I didn’t like the idea of being manipulated in that way. It was at that moment that I knew I too had the cut ties, even though I didn’t feel ready. THAT was my true spoon in the sink moment.

Honestly as I reflect upon this past year I think about how we might have still been friends. Even after I saw her shape shifting the truth on her social media attempting to villainize me for sympathy and various other attention seeking behaviors. I totally could have gotten past that if she could just have been honest with me. I do not expect “radical honesty” in all of my relationships. If she would’ve said she didn’t feel comfortable sharing why she truly wanted to move back to Israel with me, I would have accepted that. But, to have someone lie to you that calls you sister and their closest friend is very hurtful, especially when you KNOW they’re lying. That was the moment that showed me that after all these years we were simply performing closeness, because although EYE would have felt comfortable being candid about my intentions, or expressing to her why I didn’t want to share my intentions, I saw that she was not, and what is the point of this if we can’t be real with each other?

I am not going to lie I still struggle with the idea that she is suffering in silence, and I am not there to support her through it all, but I mean ultimately I didn’t do THAT much, if anything I was just a listening ear. BUT, mothering two children under three with a full time job in a PANDEMIC is no hoe. But then I think about the fact that choices have consequences, and ultimately this had to be what she truly wanted, and as a result was willing to handle all the consequences that came with this choice. It is just hard thinking about the idea that someone you love might be having a hard time. But, she could very well be happy, and just because her life doesn’t align with what I want, that doesn’t mean that she isn’t fulfilled and content. I am rooting for her from the sidelines and am happy to see that she is continuing to manifest what she wanted for her life ever since I’ve known her, even if that means I am not part of the equation. I realized that me walking away from the friendship had very little to do with her, and everything to do with me. I simply could not be the friend that she wanted or needed anymore. She wanted a cosigner and someone who would support her through her choices. She wanted a cheerleader and though that was a role that I happily filled for almost three decades I did not want to spend this part of my life with her being a cheerleader. Once I saw that being that for her was taking its toll on my mental health, that is when I knew what had to be done. This year has validated that I made the right choice a year ago today, she is moving on with her life, and I am going to assume happy and full, which makes me feel good. I chose myself, and she chose her fairy tale, and that is okay.

And I'm feeling good (c) Nina Simone

You can pick ya friends, you can't pick ya family (c) Fletch

I'm not the kind of girl/That you can let down/And think that everything's ok (c) Karyn White

Once again, this is a black intracommunity issue. Do not like/any other reaction, comment, or share this post if you are not black. It. Is. Not. For. You.

Trigger/Content warning for rape and sexual assault mentions.

Oluwatoyin Salau was a young black woman who fought for the freedom of black people, and when the time came where she needed protection and sanctuary, a BLACK MAN used that opportunity to sexually assault her.

A black women stuck her neck out for black people everywhere and when a BLACK MAN saw that Oluwatoyin was vulnerable he used that vulnerability for his own sick and twisted gain.

We, as black men, all have a responsibility for the rape culture that exists within our community. The man who sexually assaulted Oluwatoyin does not exist in a vacuum. I'm sure that man had male black friends who heard him speak about black women, who heard the undertones of assualt in his language but who decided to say nothing against it.

Black men, how many of our peers have we heard talk about getting black women under some kind of influence before making advances? How many of us have we heard talk about getting a black woman drunk or high before trying something, ESPECIALLY if they talked about how that same black woman rejected them before. The language used in these situations always puts the onus on black women: It's to make her more "open" because we just know she's down; it's to make her "looser" because she's so uptight. The word we're looking for isn't "open," it isn't "looser," the word we're looking for is vulnerable. Vulnerable to not being able to leave the situation because they're too drunk to drive. Vulnerable to not having any assistance because there's no one else in the house to help. Vulnerable to being too intoxicated or high to articulate their rejection, even if that rejection has been very clear before. And had these same black men who say these things - our peers - been the one who approached Oluwatoyin, can you honestly say that they would have protected her?

Oluwatoyin was not high or drunk but she had no easy way to leave the situation. She had no way to contact her friends because her phone wasn't with her. She had no one to turn to because the black man's roommate was asleep. She told him about ANOTHER BLACK MAN who sexually assaulted her prior, and all that black man heard was that Oluwatoyin was vulnerable. Does that sound familiar?

Do we hear it in music we listen to? From the fellow black men in our circles? From the comedians we watch? From our own mouths?

Black women are always in the most danger but at the front of the movement, creating, organizing, advocating but getting no credit for all the work they do, despite all the danger they are in. Black women fight for black liberation, and we as black men consistently show black women that our idea of liberation does not include them. We show them that even if black men get equality black women will suffer the same. We praise black women for being strong, independent, and enduring, ignoring the fact that we are part of the reason that they HAVE to be. Because for black women, vulnerability is taken advantage of. For black women, vulnerability is a death sentence at our hands.

Everyday we as black men need to wake up and ask ourselves what we are doing for black women? Is it tangible? Does it affect the status quo? Because for black men who support Justice for Toyin it cannot just be about holding the black man who assaulted her accountable for his crimes, it also has to be about making sure what happened to her never happens to another black girl or woman ever again.

We cannot expect black women to fight for black people when only black men will reap the rewards, when the very same men black women fight for will turn around and hurt them. When black woman can't even trust black men to protect and support them when they are most vulnerable.

And Oluwatoyin Salau did not have to fight for us to be protected by us, she should have been protected unconditionally. Oluwatoyin Salau's life was stolen from her. Black men, we cannot ignore what happened. We cannot ignore our role in Oluwatoyin Salau's death, or the death and suffering of every black woman by our hands. May Oluwatoyin Salau rest in peace.

Once again - and I'll say it every time - everything I've said here has been said by black women for years.

Once again, the opinions of black women supercede my own.

I'm not your Superwoman (c) Karyn White

My cousin has a word for y’all…

Firstly, I want to say that this post is about a black intracommunity issue, by which I mean it’s for black people, and aimed at black men particularly. If you’re nonblack you should not like, comment on, or share this post. You can read it, but no commentary.

I have issues with the movement toward black liberation as it stands, and that issue has nothing to do with how it is being carried out against the system. The police and judicial systems need to be abolished, black people are going to riot and loot and that is 100% fine because we have been oppressed for hundreds of years, and there isn’t a single white person who gets to have an opinion otherwise about any black issue.

My issue is that our movement toward black liberation is once again throwing black women to the wayside, and black people cannot be free until all black people are free. Let me be clear, every time black people have moved toward liberation black women have been left behind. To my fellow black men, throughout history, we have gotten more from black struggles than black women. Despite the impediments white people put in our way, we got the right to vote before black women. To this day black men are still on average paid more than black women. Even in our suffering we are heard while black women are silenced; the deaths of black men at the hands of police garner public outrage while the deaths of black women are hardly touched upon, especially if they are trans. The success of male-led black movements have always left black women with scraps, and we cannot allow that to happen again. To do so would be morally repugnant.

Black women need to be at the forefront of this movement. It is not enough to simply listen, black women must be allowed to lead, to make decisions regarding the future of black people in America and to get credit for those contributions. Just as white people are allowed the privilege of not being aware of black issues, we, as black men, are allowed the privilege of not being aware of black women’s issues. Many black people agree that the police need to be abolished. Yes. Wonderful. What systems are we going to put in place to make sure that young black girls are not going to be trafficked? What plans are we going to implement to protect black women from domestic abusers? How are we going to combat the adultification and sexualization of young black girls that happens in our own community? We, as black men, create and simultaneously ignore these issues now, so how can we possibly assume that we’ll have an answer for it later? The leadership of black women will allow them to put policies in place to protect themselves from us, because they have to PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM US. FROM. BLACK. MEN.

The leadership of a black male majority will leave black women as vulnerable as they are under the police state – and white America as a whole - right now. I don’t want to hear about how the white man keeps the black man from wealth when we have not talked about how to make sure black women will be as wealthy as we are. I don’t care what we, as black men, will do to a white person if they call us out our name, if we are not concerned about how to put policies in place to protect black women from sexual assault, and if they are assaulted, how to make sure they receive the justice they deserve. We haven’t looked at these issues for hundreds of years and we’re not going to magically start now. The only remedy is to purposefully uplift the voices of black women, purposefully educate ourselves on how we oppress them, purposefully work to undo the harm, suffering, and framework that has oppressed them, and purposefully follow their leadership so they can live in a world where they don’t have to fear white people or black men.

And uplifting the voices of black women, means ALL black women, it means standing for and defending ALL black women. That means black women with dark skin, fat black women, depressed black women, black women with PTSD, disabled black women, black women we’re not romantically attracted to, black women who aren’t romantically attracted to us, black women we’re not sexually attracted to, black women who aren’t sexually attracted to us, black women who don’t like us, single black mothers (regardless of the number of children or baby daddies), autistic black women, trans black women, black women who don’t want children, black women who have had abortions, black women with different religious views, black women in interracial relationships, black women in same-sex relationships, and the list continues on and on and on and on and on.

Additionally, we as black men cannot stand with and fight for black women solely because they have experienced more oppression, because they have suffered so much, or because we have been impediments on their road to freedom. Let me be clear, we cannot ignore these issues, to do so would be a disgusting erasure of the suffering black women have experienced by our hands. I am saying that we cannot base our support for black women off of the pain they have endured. We cannot make the value of black women congruent with their ability to survive suffering nor can we support them simply because they are our sisters, mothers, daughters, etc. Essentially, our support for black women cannot be contingent on their relationship to us or how we view them. We must support black women because they are people, their relationship to us is irrelevant. We must support black women because they are people who deserve happiness, who deserve freedom, who deserve to live their lives fearlessly and unabashedly. Because if we do not view and support black women as autonomous and separate from what we believe black women should be, we will put ourselves first as we have historically done, and that is unacceptable.

If you, as a black man, think you are exempt from oppressing black women you’re wrong. Think about when we were in school, if we made fun of girls with dark skin or let it happen then we are a part of the problem – and there’s no “I was a kid” because if we want white people to understand that white children must understand the weight of their racism then we as black men have to make sure little black boys understand the weight of their sexism, misogyny, and colorism which means owning up to what we did when we were younger. Look at our Instagram or Twitters, are the only black women we follow mixed or light skin black women with “good hair?” If so, we are perpetuating the oppression of black women who do not possess those traits, doubly so if we possess some unholy fetish for white women only. Do the YouTubers we watch make fun of dark skin black women? Do the social media comedians we watch base their videos off caricatures of “undesirable” black women? If we fall under any of these, we are part of the problem, and that’s only the tip of colorism which is only a piece of the oppression black women experience because of black men.

Again, we must support black women and allow them to lead, and I want to clarify the word “allow.” We are NOT granting black women permission like some overseer; we are going to stop blocking their way so they can do the work they’ve been attempting to do since the inception of black people’s fight for freedom and ensure that they are receiving everything they deserve.

Additionally, our support for black women cannot be limited to their inclusion in this movement. We have to support black women in all avenues of life. That means we have to ACKNOWLEDGE that we oppress black women and benefit from that oppression. EDUCATE ourselves on the existing framework that allows black men to oppress black women both passively and intentionally. SEEK the opinions, literature, and media of black women as to garner and even greater understanding of our role in their oppression and what steps they believe we need to take to end it. CONFRONT our own worldview and those of our fellow black men with the facts and knowledge we have gained to create a clear picture of who is for black women and who is not. ENGAGE constantly with material actions, not just theoretical rhetoric, that will benefit black women. CREATE safe spaces for black women in areas that lacked them before. SUPPORT the businesses and careers of black women. UPLIFT their voices and DEFEND their right to speak and lead. DESTROY the framework that exists and ASSIST in the creation of a new framework that allows black women to truly have equality.

Finally, I want to make sure this is understood by my fellow black men: Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing I have said here is new; black women have been saying these things for years, and I am using my privilege as a black man to uplift their voices. This is the bare minimum for truly supporting black women!

Yes, racism is an abhorrent plague that has hung over black people in America since we were taken over here and enslaved and yes, we are all fighting for our freedom. But that freedom means nothing if black women are not as free as black men in every regard. It’s Black LIVES Matter. And even so black women STILL had to create the SayHerName movement because their suffering at the hands of the police went unnoticed, and even now that very movement has been coopted by black men, as Say His Name chants and signs appear at protests nationwide. Black liberation is for all black people, black men don’t get a head start.

Additionally: BLACK WOMEN WILL DISAGREE WITH ME AND CORRECT ME WHERE I AM WRONG. AS THAT HAPPENS, I MUST CORRECT MY FAULTS, AS MUST YOU. THE OPINIONS OF BLACK WOMEN WILL ALWAYS SUPERCEDE MY OWN!!!!!

Are you worthy?: The jig is up!

Cici got into it on social media for posting the clip below yesterday...

#LevelUp. Don't Settle.

163.1k Likes, 9,875 Comments - Ciara (@ciara) on Instagram: "#LevelUp. Don't Settle."

Ciara rightfully got dragged for sharing this video and adding the caption, “#LevelUp,” at that. If she didn’t know that it’s bad form to shame single women for not being married—like she herself was only a few years ago—and to suggest that being married is on a higher plane of existence, she learned Sunday.

Marriage may very well be special to the individual people who are in it, but it is not an inherently special institution to aspire to, or one that someone “deserves.”

If no “husband” has “found” a woman yet—assuming that she wants to be found—it’s not because churches don’t intentionally create the kind of men who value an actual equal partnership over subjugation; it’s not because there are statistically more black women with higher levels of education and income than their male counterparts, which can cause issues in pairing off; it’s not because some women do not desire marriage at all or do not desire marriage to a man; it’s not because a woman’s life might have more purpose beyond being married (surprise!).

No it must be a reflection of a woman’s character, something she’s doing wrong.

That’s the implication given when a woman is “promised” that a “husband will find you” as soon as she changes her ways and deserves to be found.

Be for real.

Even married husbands have no problem “finding” single women (and it has nothing to do with a woman’s “spirit”). So let’s stop pretending that married people are some elevated and virtuous class of worthy people.

The truth is, singleness is not a woman disease that a husband cures. It’s not a holding pattern or a phase until you’ve fixed all your damage and become lovable enough to ascend to a higher status. 

How about now. The next time a woman comes crying about why she isn’t married yet, pastors can tell her the truth. That God created her with her own agency and her own purpose that goes beyond whoever she might marry and whatever children she might have. Equip her to break a toxic cycle of looking for male approval as a sign of her worthiness. Affirm her desire for romantic and sexual love, and also show her how to value her platonic relationships as much as she would value any romantic ones. Equip her to go find her purpose.

And to ensure that patriarchal societal barriers don’t get in the way of a woman becoming who God created her to be, teach men to value women as full people with their own agency and purpose outside of men. Deconstruct the dangerous complementarian myth that women exist to be helpmates and mules for whatever man deems them “valuable” enough. Teach men that they do not have the right to define any woman’s value and that marriage with them is not a prize to win but simply a negotiation of terms. Tell them to sit down, be humble.

Because men have never faced and will never face the societal pressure women historically have faced to be married. Unlike women, men have never had their literal value inextricably linked to their marital status. Women, since time immemorial, were seen as literally worthless and discarded if their fathers couldn’t marry them off, and then again if they couldn’t bear children for their husbands.

That fear of not being good enough for marriage—the one thing that could give women a potentially “secure” life in a patriarchal, oppressive world—has been passed down to women from generation to generation. This is not your history, men. So why are you talking?

Time’s up on those days.

Now I'm willing to accept this fate You and me just can't cohabitate (c) The Kinks

So you get married.... and you move in together. I've found that in my experience that men and women tend to look at this transition differently, PARTICULARLY if you didn't live together prior to marriage and you decide to practice "stereotypical" gender roles in your marriage.

Perspective #1  
Spouse #1 - I don't get it. They're getting full course meals frequently, the home is clean, I'm adding value to their life
Spouse #2 - That's cool and all but I still have to share my space

Perspective #2
Spouse #1 - This is a whole lot more work than living alone
Spouse #2 - There are SO MANY benefits to being married

These are the two most common perspectives I've seen after talking to newly married couples that opt for stereotypical gender role format.

I've found that in perspective one the disconnect is that the spouse that doesn't get it is learning what their partner values, and that is their space. You can cook and clean all day but that is how you chose to come into the role of husband/wife, and that might not necessarily be what your spouse appreciates or values. Talk to them and find a balance. I think people get very caught up in what the perception of marriage should be like instead of finding a routine that works for them specifically. Don't go into it with preconceived notions. Find a routine that works for both of you.

In perspective two this is most commonly the case when one spouse carries the brunt of the work in the household. Things become imbalanced. Naturally a bulk of keeping things in order does fall tend to fall on one person **cough cough most times the woman cough cough**, but I encourage the spouse doing said work to make sure the spouse not pulling their weight attempts  to develop some particular sets of skills. Things won't always be equal, but I like the idea of both parties actively contributing to the betterment of the household, I think it will make things much easier long-term even moreso if you decide to add kids into the mix

Since LaFlore and I are new to this we haven't ironed out the full logistics to how we operate as a unit yet. However, we did iron out one thing....

Cooking.

I cook, I enjoy it. Four dinners a week is all you get from me (technically 8 total because I always make enough for both of us to bring to lunch the next day)
When I cook, Jason cleans the kitchen, or at least that's the goal

I pretty much ALWAYS forget to take pics of my meals but here are some I actually remembered to photograph! :)

The transition from living as individuals to cohabitation is a big one. We still have so much to figure out:
Groceries
Cleaning
Laundry
Bill splitage
Bank accounts
Name Change... to name a few

I plan on tackling each of these topics in detail as we embark upon this journey of two becoming one. Not gonna lie, having one thing marked off the list does offer a sense of relief. This transition doesn't happen overnight that's for sure.